Being a godly husband and father

There was a time when being a husband and father seemed to come with a fairly simple definition.

A man went to work. He provided for his family. He protected his home. He disciplined his children. He loved his wife.

But somewhere along the way, we've managed to make manhood much more complicated.

We live in a culture that can tell a man almost anything about what it means to be a man. Be tough. Be successful. Be independent. Make money. Have the biggest house. Drive the nicest truck. Never show weakness.

But the Bible gives us a very different picture.

God doesn't call a man to be the loudest person in his home, the most powerful, or even necessarily the primary decision-maker.

He calls him to serve.

And if we're willing to take that seriously, it changes everything.

A Man Leads by Serving

Jesus turned the world's definition of leadership upside down.

When His disciples argued about greatness, Jesus didn't tell them to establish their authority. He pointed them toward service.

"For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many."— Mark 10:45, KJV

Think about that.

Jesus Christ—the Son of God—washed His disciples' feet.

The King became a servant.

So if we're going to talk about biblical leadership in the home, we need to start there.

A husband who follows Christ shouldn't be asking, "What is my wife supposed to do for me?"

He should be asking, "What can I do for my wife?"

And a father shouldn't simply ask whether his children respect his authority.

He should ask whether his children have seen Christ in the way he uses that authority.

Biblical leadership isn't about having everyone underneath you.

It's about being willing to get underneath the burden and help carry it.

Love Your Wife Like Christ Loved the Church

Ephesians 5 gives husbands one of the most demanding commands in Scripture:

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it."— Ephesians 5:25, KJV

That's a pretty high standard.

Christ didn't love the church because the church always deserved it.

He loved sacrificially.

He gave.

He served.

He endured.

He forgave.

He put our needs ahead of His own.

That's the kind of love Scripture calls a husband to demonstrate toward his wife.

And that love isn't limited to saying, "I love you."

Sometimes love looks like taking out the trash.

Sometimes it looks like washing the dishes.

Sometimes it means handling bedtime because your wife is exhausted.

Sometimes it means putting down the phone and listening.

Sometimes it means noticing what needs to be done instead of waiting to be asked.

Sometimes it means saying, "I've got this. You go rest."

None of those things make a man less of a leader.

They demonstrate what kind of leader he is.

Your Wife Is Not Your Servant

Marriage makes two people one flesh.

That means the home isn't the wife's responsibility while the husband occasionally "helps."

He lives there too.

Those children are his too.

That laundry belongs to his household.

Those dishes belong to his household.

That lawn belongs to his household.

The midnight feeding, the homework, the doctor's appointment, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the repairs, the countless little things nobody notices—all of it is part of life together.

A husband doesn't "help" his wife with his own family.

He serves his family.

Paul tells believers:

"Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others."— Philippians 2:4, KJV

That principle certainly belongs inside a marriage.

The question isn't, "Is this my job?"

The better question is, "Is this something my family needs?"

If the answer is yes, why wouldn't a man step up?

Be Present for Your Children

Being a father is about far more than putting food on the table.

Children need their father's presence.

They need his attention.

They need his correction, but they also need his affection.

They need to know that Dad isn't merely the man who makes the rules. He's the man they can run to.

Paul gives fathers a warning:

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."— Ephesians 6:4, KJV

Notice that Scripture doesn't simply say, "Make your children obey."

It says to bring them up.

That requires presence.

It means teaching them.

Listening to them.

Correcting them.

Praying with them.

Playing with them.

Showing them how to work.

Showing them how to apologize.

Showing them what forgiveness looks like.

And perhaps most importantly, showing them what it looks like when a man follows God.

Your children may forget the things you bought them.

They may forget the vacations.

They may even forget some of the lessons you taught them.

But they are unlikely to forget the kind of man you were.

Your Children Are Watching

You can tell your son to respect women, but if he watches you disrespect his mother, your words won't carry much weight.

You can tell your daughter that she is valuable, but if she watches her father constantly belittle the woman he married, she may learn a very different lesson about love.

You can tell your children to forgive, but if they never hear you say, "I was wrong. Please forgive me," forgiveness becomes an abstract concept.

You can tell them to trust God, but if they never see you pray when life becomes difficult, they may wonder whether you really believe what you preach.

Your children are watching.

Not because they're looking for reasons to criticize you.

Because you're teaching them what normal looks like.

That's an enormous responsibility.

Provide More Than a Paycheck

Scripture certainly takes providing for one's family seriously.

Paul wrote:

"But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."— 1 Timothy 5:8, KJV

A man should take responsibility for providing for his family.

But provision is bigger than money.

Your family needs emotional provision.

They need spiritual provision.

They need security.

They need encouragement.

They need affection.

They need your time.

A man can provide a beautiful house and still leave his family feeling homeless.

He can pay every bill and still be emotionally absent.

He can work seventy hours a week to give his children everything except himself.

There is nothing wrong with working hard.

In fact, Scripture tells us to work heartily, as unto the Lord.

But we have to be careful that our work doesn't become an excuse for neglecting the people we're working for.

Be the Spiritual Leader You Claim to Be

Perhaps one of the greatest responsibilities a husband and father has is leading his family spiritually.

That doesn't necessarily mean standing in the living room every morning delivering a sermon.

It can be much simpler.

Pray with your wife.

Pray with your children.

Take them to church.

Open the Bible with them.

Talk about God around the dinner table.

Teach them to be thankful.

Let them see you seek God's wisdom when you don't know what to do.

Let them hear you ask God for forgiveness.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells parents to teach God's commands diligently to their children—to talk about them throughout everyday life.

That's important.

Because spiritual leadership isn't primarily an event.

It's a lifestyle.

Your children should be able to see your faith in the ordinary moments of life.

A Man of Integrity

Proverbs 20:7 says:

"The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him."— Proverbs 20:7, KJV

That's the kind of legacy worth leaving.

Not merely money.

Not merely possessions.

Not merely a house with your name on the deed.

Integrity.

Let your children know that your word means something.

If you make a mistake, admit it.

If you lose your temper, apologize.

If you fail, get back up.

If you don't know something, say so.

If you make a promise, keep it.

And when nobody is watching, do what is right anyway.

That's leadership.

Sometimes Being a Man Means Doing the Dishes

Maybe that sounds strange.

But perhaps we've made masculinity far more complicated than it needs to be.

A godly man can change a diaper.

He can cook dinner.

He can vacuum the floor.

He can mow the grass.

He can fold laundry.

He can take care of the children while his wife gets some rest.

He can wash the dishes.

And none of those things diminish him.

They reveal him.

Jesus washed feet.

If the Son of God wasn't too important to perform a servant's task, perhaps we shouldn't be either.

Every dish washed.

Every floor swept.

Every diaper changed.

Every bedtime story read.

Every load of laundry carried.

Every meal prepared.

Every burden quietly lifted from your wife's shoulders—

can become an expression of love.

Colossians 3:23 reminds us:

"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men."

That includes the ordinary things.

Especially the ordinary things.

Don't Confuse Authority With Control

A godly husband has authority in his home.

But biblical authority isn't permission to control people.

It is a responsibility to serve them.

There is a tremendous difference.

A man who demands obedience may get compliance.

A man who consistently demonstrates sacrificial love can earn trust.

And trust is far more powerful than fear.

Your wife shouldn't have to be afraid of you.

Your children shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around you.

Your home should be a place where people feel safe enough to be honest, where mistakes can be admitted, forgiveness can be offered, and grace can be found.

Psalm 103:13 gives us a beautiful picture:

"Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him."

Our children should get a glimpse of God's compassion through the way we treat them.

So, What Kind of Man Are You?

Maybe that's the question we need to ask ourselves.

Not:

How much money do I make?

Not:

How tough am I?

Not:

Who's in charge?

But:

Does my wife feel loved by me?

Do my children feel safe with me?

Do they see Christ in me?

Am I present, or merely providing?

Do I serve, or do I expect to be served?

When I walk through the door, does my family feel relief—or tension?

If my son becomes the man I am, will I be proud of the man he becomes?

If my daughter marries a man like me, will I be at peace?

Those questions can be uncomfortable.

They should be.

Because being a husband and father isn't simply a title.

It's a stewardship.

God has entrusted people to our care.

And one day, every man will have to answer for how he handled that responsibility.

Be the Man Who Goes First

Men, our families don't need perfect husbands and fathers.

They need faithful ones.

They need men who are willing to go first.

First to apologize.

First to forgive.

First to serve.

First to pray.

First to sacrifice.

First to say, "I was wrong."

First to say, "How can I help?"

First to put down the phone.

First to turn off the television.

First to open the Bible.

First to get down on the floor and play with the kids.

First to get up when something needs to be done.

First to carry the burden.

That's leadership.

That's strength.

That's biblical manhood.

Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 are a fitting challenge:

"Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. Let all your things be done with charity."— 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, KJV

Stand firm.

Be strong.

But don't miss the last part.

Let everything you do be done in love.

That's the kind of man our families need.

Not a man who expects to be served.

But a man who willingly serves.

Not a man who demands respect.

But a man who lives a life worthy of respect.

Not a man who simply tells his family about God.

But a man who makes it easier for his family to see God through him.

And perhaps the greatest thing a husband and father can leave behind isn't a bank account, a house, or a collection of possessions.

It's this:

A wife who knows she was loved.

Children who know they were cherished.

And a family who can look back and say, "Dad showed us what it meant to follow Christ."

That is a legacy worth leaving.